It took a while to admit to myself that it was my fault. After all it takes two to tango right? I didn’t blame it on just my ex. I was completely responsible of how I acted in different scenarios in my life. I was a people pleaser.
I was worried about others needs more than my own. I was worried about disappointing my family and friends.
As the eldest, I was raised to the idea that I am held responsible for all my siblings and that I should always be accomodating and caring and that I should put the needs of others first before my own. I was raised to sacrifice myself for the greater good.
Hear me out, this isn’t bad at all. Most of us Filipinos are raised to be tough especially when the hard time comes. After seeing different examples of families as I grew up. I also realize the bitterness that comes with unrealized dreams.
I didn’t want to end up like any of the life models that unfolded right in front of my eyes. I was awake. Completely aware of what had happened. I saw what it was like to see the bitterness slowly eating away the last years of a person’s life. I saw what it was like living with a partner you always bicker with.
Seeing all those life stories. I wanted to take life by the horns and take control. I didn’t want my life on auto-pilot. I wanted to experience more out of life. Unfortunately, my ex and I didn’t have the same life goals. I wish I could’ve seen it earlier even before I got married. We spent 8 years of our lives together. How can it possibly go wrong?
It was me. I changed.
After our first year of marriage, I started meeting new friends and started experimenting. Tried new things and honed my craft. I met many people through instagram and was so into photography. We drifted apart. I started working out more.
In my self discovery, I began to build confidence in myself that I never knew existed. I realized my own potential.
As I walk further gaining confidence at every step I became a different person. A different person from what he initially knew when we were dating. This becomes a problem when your partner doesn’t expect the changes. All of a sudden, you’re caught in a world where you always argue. All of a sudden you feel trapped.
Self-discovery is very important in the development of our overall being. You become aware of the things you like and the things that ticks you off. You find yourself in a new light. You see your own potential and you suddenly find a purpose. I admit I am one of the lucky ones who gets to understand that life isn’t supposed to be based on a template but lived out of how we want our lives to turn out.
Yes. It was my fault and I don’t regret it.