Dependence: The Desire Killer

During the time of my solitude, I reflected on the reasons why my first marriage didn’t succeed. One of the reasons was the dependency of my ex. There’s something unsexy about dependency. I’d compare it as to when a child is dependent on his parents for survival.

What is desire? How is it triggered? Desire is triggered when the other person shines from a distance. It’s not when you are close to the other but it’s how you perceive the other from a distance. It makes you attracted them because of them being themselves.

April 17 2014 Summer in Phuket with Zach2

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energised by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
― Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

After listening to many of Esther Perel’s videos, I realised she was right. The reason why my marriage failed was because the desire has died and so is the fact that the true me had died as well.

Getting separated jolted me and made me realise how much I’ve changed and how much I’ve given off of myself. I stopped writing, I stopped seeing art and I stopped reading thought provoking books. I went on a self-exploration and a desire to bring my old self back and recondition myself to do the things I used to love. I feel more alive now than what I was before.

The arrangement with my then boyfriend, who’s now my husband worked out well because we needed some space for us to figure out our own lives. For some reason, the mystery and the anticipation made us want each other even more. Having a long distance relationship worked well for us and thanks to technology, we were able to keep in touch with each other’s lives, the distance was tolerable.

I have been on my own for 5 years now and I have enjoyed every moment of solitude that I have right now. It will take some time to get used to being with someone again, although it’s just a minor issue that I can get over with.

Every individual deserves some solo time to be balanced. To figure out ways on how to pursue our own hopes and wishes in life. To ignite the fire within. Having goals and dreams together as a couple is a bonus. We are after all on our own individual journeys, we’re just choosing to go through the journey with someone.

“It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned her sense of autonomy.”
― Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

Clingy dependent women are not attractive, so is men who depend on their wives to survive. Don’t let yourself be in the situation wherein you are losing your own autonomy.  It kills desire. It kills love.

Save yourself. Save your relationship.

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